Lettuce verdict – murder by misadventure

Lettuce doff our caps and bow our heads for a minutes silence.

Slimming humour - Lettuce verdict, murder by misadventure

It is with great sadness that we are in court today to decide on the matter of Lettuce’s demise. You as the jury must deliberate the evidence and unanimously state if Margaret is guilty or innocent.

What have you to say, Margaret?

I wish to plead not guilty your honour.

Very well state your defence.

It all began last week when I decided to change my life style. I first met Lettuce at the supermarket. We instantly connected. I invited her home, and we became friends – she was always accompanying me at meals.

Slimming antics - Lettuce verdict - murder by misadventure

For a few days, all went well until the Pepper bumped into her. Pepper told her she was taking up too much space in the fridge. Seeing Lettuce’s plight, I suggested she shed a leaf or two which I happily helped her do.

Lettuce tickled my senses, that juicy and crunchy texture, made it difficult to resist. Now half the size I put Lettuce back in the fridge. I could hear lots of compliments, but Pepper refused to be impressed.  Sweeping Pepper up onto the chopping board I sliced the vegetable in half and threw it into the wok. Pepper with chicken, delicious served with rice and Tom.


Yes, tomatoes!

Of course, carry on.

During the night my stomach began to rumble, I mean I am talking volcanic explosion here.

Slimming humour - Lettuce verdict - murder by misadventure

Lettuce was calling from the Kitchen so I joined her. We got chatting about the state of the country, and I didn’t notice Pepper’s left half hang glide towards the table.

Before I could do anything, he scooped Lettuce up and flew away. He cruelly said, “Lettuce is mine” and laughed in a disturbing way. A distressing racket came from the dining room, this time it was not my stomach! The vegetables screamed their last as Greedy, my dog, jumped up and claimed his midnight feast.


That Me Lord is how Lettuce met her demise.

A slimming sage - Lettuce verdict - murder by misadventure


Do you have anyone to collaborate your story?

Only my dog Sir.

Call the dog….

Sorry, Your Worship he has just been sick.

Can you find any evidence to support Margaret’s account?

Um, yes My Lord, both vegetables are present.

In that case, the Jury will be dismissed to ruminate and cogitate till they reach a verdict.

All stand.

Have you reached a unanimous decision?

We have.

We find Margaret guilty of healthy eating.

And Lettuce?

Murdered by misadventure.

Greedy I sentence you to eat dog food only from this day forth.

Court dismissed.

Oh, by the way, Margaret how did your weigh in go today?

Lettuce verdict - murder by misadventure

I lost 1lb Me Lord.


Did you note the deliberate mistake, if so what was it?

Author: Margaret Kazmierczak

For over fifty years I have laughed and cried through my life – it has been exciting, exhausting, emotional, challenging and infuriating. No one gave me a map or a ‘How to get out of stressful situations’ manual, to help me on my journey. Instead, it has been God and me, His Word and my mistakes. So let’s cut to the chase, I am a wife and mother of three almost adult children! I live in the South of England and dislike the rainy climate. Yes, it looks green but so does my face with little sunshine! With many occupations under my belt, I now spend my time writing – for my blog which includes book reviews, interviews some humorous pieces and a book called "How to Make Victoria Sponge." I also have some devotionals in a multi-author book "Heartwings Devotional. My life is hectic; I am disorganised, and God continually sorts me out. I hope my words bring you hope, comfort and laughter as I sit here in my dining room praying for inspiration and for the cat to get off my laptop!

8 thoughts on “Lettuce verdict – murder by misadventure”

  1. Too funny! I love the story. And congratulations on your loss. You’re four ahead of me. Keep going! Looking forward to the next installment in the Lettuce saga….?

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