The weigh-in, an experience frozen in time. Feet glued to the scales, eyes averting the verdict, the waiting – have I or haven’t I… oh the agony!
Trimmed to slim
“What! You’re joking.” I stood on the scales clad with lightweight clothing – anything to keep the pounds off and give a correct reading. In anticipation having won slimmer of the week last time, my hopes were high.
I found Lettuce skulking in the back of the fridge; she refused to look at me as I retrieved her part frozen body. “About time,” she said. “I’ve been waiting two days!”
The prognosis appeared sad, wet leaves sagged on one side while the remaining stayed glued together. “I’m gonna have to let you go, old girl, you’re too far gone.”
“Oh no, you don’t.”
“Soggy lettuce isn’t on the menu I’m afraid.”
My fridge, a bone of contention, operates on a cold and frozen setting. Therefore, anything that finds its way to the back of it freezes so only half of the appliance works. With others in the house rummaging around inside things get disordered and misplaced. Such fate beckoned Lettuce.
Opening the door to the rubbish bin, Lettuce clung onto me, her frozen leaves sticking to my hand. Shaking didn’t seem to work, so I peeled her off leaf by leaf. Watery tears dripped onto the floor.
“Watch where you are going, you’re all wet!” said a disgruntled radish head as Lettuce flew to her final destination.
“Why did Margaret do this, she loves me so much – we are inseparable?”
“We all end up here dear.” Carrot shavings tried to comfort Lettuce but failed.
“But this is such a waste, how about using a hairdryer to dry me out?”
“Seems Margaret knows best Lettuce, I mean you are in a sorry state. What happened?”
Three interesting facts about Lettuce
- Did you know Lettuce is always eaten fresh? Because of its high water content (95%), it cannot be frozen or canned. 95% – No wonder I keep going to the loo!
- The lettuce that the Greeks and Romans ate in ancient times had sleep-inducing properties. This property, however, has already been bred out of the current varieties of lettuce – That’s a shame I could do with some sleep!
- When storing lettuce, keep away from fruits that emit ethylene, such as apples and bananas. Ethylene is a gas that hastens the ripening process of certain fresh fruit and will cause lettuce to decay much faster – It’s all bananas fault, who put that banana in the fridge?
So back to the story
“Last night a hand intruded upon my free time then when it had finished looking for the pepperoni it tossed me to the back of the fridge. Frantically I pleaded with milk to swap places, but she just laughed, waddled in front of me and plopped down in my favourite area. I mean the cheek! She came from a cow’s udder and I a beautiful field.
I felt trapped.
The frozen truth
The frozen fingers emerged from the behind stealthfully creeping around me until I couldn’t breathe. All through the night I shivered, no one took any notice. First thing Margaret came and rescued me – what joy. Except she betrayed and threw me in here. Oh, the shame.”
“Never mind love.” Radish head comforted Lettuce. “Just wait till you see your next abode. I hear from the grapevine that Commander Post loves new recruits.”
The end beckons
“Oh, here she comes. How exciting.” Remarked Lettuce. Scooping up the biodegradable material, Margaret headed outside to the Compost bin. “Fair well my vegetable waste, produce some mighty good fertiliser for me.”
Lifting the lid, Margaret tipped the contents of the bin into the dark organic matter.
“Well hello Lettuce, welcome to my world” snickered Commander Post.
The waiting is over
“What! You’re joking.” Turning to see if any feet stood on the scales behind me, I checked my pockets for anything heavy – Nothing.
Quietly the scale monitor penned +2lbs into my book. Where had that come from?
Did I hear a snicker from Lettuce paying me back for putting her in the Compost bin? Surely not.
+2 lbs a mystery – I had continued eating as I did the previous weeks and the weight fell off, but not today!
It’s a blip but 2lbs that is a lot. I can’t blame “going out”, “bingeing” or chocolate so it must be the flat bottom syndrome from sitting down and writing too much.
A silver lining
Within a few minutes of feeling gutted an award for “Slimmer of the Month” surprised me – guess who received it – me! Talk about gob-smacked, for once I was shocked into silence.